Thoughts on the new Amazing Spider Man Trailer

Before you read any further, please watch this:

Two words.

“Hells” and “yes”

That about sums up my entire reaction to the new trailer of Columbia Pictures The Amazing Spider-Man just released.  So in all honesty, I could stop writing right here and go back to doing my normal routine, but that small homunculus dwelling in my sub-conscious would not let me slide that easy. So allow me to illustrate why this new re-vamp of the Spidey franchise looks to be right up there in the Best Superhero Movie EVER category along with Nolan’s Dark Knight Trilogy.

For starters, no more this guy…

When Spider-Man was first released ten-fuggin-years ago, I had always wondered why Sam Raimi (known for the brilliant Evil Dead franchise) had chosen to cast a child rapist as my favorite childhood super-hero. However, I was young and stupid, and like most of America, I simply went with it and enjoyed Spider-Man for the campy popcorn flick that it was. Looking back at the movie know, its a much different experience. It’s not nostalgic like say the original Superman or Tim Burton’s Batman, but rather it seems only laughable. This is mostly due to the horrible, horrible acting and the fact that not for one second did I ever buy into Tobey Maguire as the (normally) wise cracking Peter Parker/Spider-Man.  The charm was never there. Spider-Man is a babbler, his constant quipping allowing him to get under his enemy’s skin and often win his fights. Maguire NEVER gave me that. Instead he (and that voice) came off as awkward, creepy and just plain wrong.

 

 

Ahh, but now we have Andrew Garfield.

 

Tall, lanky, and NOT vibing like a child rapist, Garfield was an immaculate choice for the new Peter Parker/Spider Man. And, if you pay attention in the new trailer, he wisecracks and its funny. Finally we get a proper Spider Man that talks the smack that we have come to love so much. Seriously, this guy is it. Garfield, a properly trained actor from across the pond, is already just in the trailer ten times the Spidey that Maguire was at his best (which was, in my opinion, Spider Man 2).

Funnier, sexier and more actionier than any previous Spidey before him, Garfield already has my vote for the best Spider Man thus far. Also, he has these…

That’s right. Web fucking shooters. This Spider Man flosses like a boss. That’s another thing about the Spider Man mythos that the Raimi trilogy brutally failed to touch upon: Peter Parker is a goddamned genius. In the comics, he invents the web shooter because he’s not only an amazing superhero, but also an extremely gifted scientist. Raimi’s Parker was just horny, freakish and downtrodden; the icky, sticky web fluid coming out of Peter an allegory for growing up and jacking off.  Gone is all that rubbish, replaced with smarts and gadgets too awesome to be tainted by Raimi’s failing brand of quirky direction.

Reason number two that I’m liking this new Spidey movie much much more…

I would take Emma Stone over snaggle-toothed Kirsten Dunst any day of the week.

And she’s not even playing Mary Jane, an odd choice considering Stone has already played a gorgeous red-head. But hey, it will be nice to see a change for Peter’s leading lady. MJ, in all three of the last movies, was a damsel in distress. Captured by Goblin, Doc Ock and then Venom (don’t even get me started), it was sad to see that Dunst, all jokes aside, a truly remarkable actress with amazing range (watch The Virgin Suicides and try not loving her) was reduced to playing a tired out stock character used to drag the plot along.  Stone plays Gwen Stacy, Peter’s blonde and (HOLY MOTHER OF SHIT, SPOILERS) doomed girlfriend from the comics. Gwen Stacy’s father, NYPD Captain George Stacy, played by Denis Leary (so hells yes, again), is one of the Spidey universes oldest and most complex characters. Think of him like a Commissioner Gordon of sorts, but without a ‘stache. I can’t wait to see how they develop his character in this (if, indeed, any).

And last but not least, the villian…

This is not what the Lizard, the movie’s antagonist, looks like. This is artwork from Todd McFarlane, the creator of Spawn and the best artist to draw Spider Man in print. I don’t know what the Lizard will look like in the film and I don’t want to swamp around the internet looking for some grainy concept art. You can, however, barely catch a glimpse of his tail and even a bit of Spider-Man grappling with him for like half a second. Needless to say, the Lizard is one of Spider-Man’s classic foes, and most definitely his most underrated one. Ruthless, savage and strong (as hell) to boot, Doctor Curtis Connor’s Jekyll-like alter-ego has a very violent, very bloody history with the wall crawler, dating back to olden times.

 

I will admit that I was at first worried about the choice of the main baddie for this flick. I mean The Lizard sounds like a B-movie monster too silly to make it past the writer’s desk. But here, in the context of this story (Peter unwillingly helps create the creature with his genius), he fits and he’s fresh. I’m still washing out my mouth clean of Willem Dafoe’s soul-raping turn as the Green Goblin, so that villain can wait for the sequel or even the third part.

 

Spider Man has been on a hiatus since his last movie outing, the disco-filled crapfest we all know as Spider-Man 3. And this summer, he looks to make a triumphant comeback to the big screen where he belongs. Spider-Man, for me, has always been the stand-out hero in the Marvel Universe, much like Batman is to DC. You see, I don’t care for no fruity ass Justice League (that name alone makes my rectum prolapse). The rest of the DC Universe (including Superman) can suck it and die, just leave me Batman, his peeps,  and his wonderful assortment of deranged rogues. That’s the way I feel about Spider-Man and the Marvel Universe. I honestly could not give a flying fuck about The Avengers movie coming out this year. Give me my Spider-Man and piss off.

I can’t wait for July 3rd to come around. Holla…

 

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